i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Plan B is the new Plan A
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
