she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
