Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
