Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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