Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
