i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Blood and glitter go together right?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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