I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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