PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
