I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize