she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
