if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i will never coherently bang her
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
