i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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