Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
