I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
