I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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