omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
