8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
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