I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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