I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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