Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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