Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
