he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
