My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
