i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize