I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
