woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Houston, we have a blender
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
