dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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