its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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