Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
