tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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