btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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