My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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