They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
