I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
