Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Two words: blizzard sex
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize