I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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