Im at strip club and am horny
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
