did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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