Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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