Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
