i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
