You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
