Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
