I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
