If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
