Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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