It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
