in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
