he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I party with great urgency now.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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