You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
