I wish I could teleport
If that was your dad, he is hot
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
