I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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