girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
