Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
