Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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